Want to play a game that gives you the chance to date a variety of characters from your own living room, while slowly melting your eyes out of your face? Then Pizza Game is here for you, and it will leave you broken. My brain hurt every time I opened Pizza Game, and honestly that’s kind of the point. In the words of its creators, Plasterbrain and JelloApocalypse, this game is “the world’s premier shitposting dating sim.” No matter how much you think you know what you’re in for, put some of your brain cells on ice before starting this game — after subjecting yourself to the never ending typos, they may be the only ones you have left once it’s all said and done.
Our plucky protagonist Kiane pronounced-like-the-pepper has moved to Flordaddle after graduating from Boy College, and nothing will stand in the way of her finding love! Even her own conscious, Inner Kiane. You’ll meet a wide cast of characters and have many engaging routes to choose from. Except the Sensei route. Do not do the Sensei route. If you find yourself in the Sensei route, just throw your computer out the nearest window and walk away. There is nothing left for you here.
Kiane just got a job at The Big Microsoffit with her major crush and possible serial killer, Mr. Arimnaes. Those bones in the printer? Those are just normal printer bones, and how dare you assume otherwise. After your first day at the office you’ll also meet Chris! What’s his dark terrible secret? Why is he so obsessed with the customers of his cafe actually paying for things? Why zucchini? You’ll also be met with a barrage of twisted things from Warped Lamp, become a learnflower with Sensei, and order pizza from Keenarnor. Don’t forget Roobit, who is totally NOT from space. You can solve the Seven Mysteries of Driving School, hunt for ghosts, carry a urinal cake around in your pocket, spend far too much time in a public bathroom, try your hardest to regain back some semblance of an IQ, and much more!
Pizza Game is for when you come home from work, and rather than craving relaxation, you want an extra serving of chaos please and thank you. With 7 possible story routes, 20 endings, and over 20 unique characters to meet, there’s always more to stumble into with every playthrough. Charming voice acting punctuates the perfect moments, and you can’t help but fall in love with the entire cast… except Sensei. Sitting at only $9.99 on Steam, this game is more than a steal, and is definitely worth the time to unlock all of its mysteries. You’ll laugh, cry, and cringe your way through this wild ride of an otome.
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